Yesterday afternoon I did all non-Scav things: walking around on Michigan Ave., meeting up with my old supervisor from YALSA, getting a fancy cocktail at the Violet Hour in Wicker Park with an old friend, sleeping for a full night, etc. So today I was up and at ’em early, ready to hit Scav for all it was worth.
The first thing I saw was a J.F.K. assassination competition, using Super Soakers.
Marksmen, fall in! Over the next four days, your Scav Marksman will have an opportunity to demon-
strate his or her skill and versatility with some of the most iconic foamarms and waterarms of the past twenty-ﬁve years. For in the end, there can be only one HasPro. The challenge begins on Eckhart
Quad, Thursday at 10:30 am, where you will be introduced to your ﬁrst round and provided with your
Judge Cat played J.F.K., and four other judges were her bodyguards. She walked on a pre-set path while Scavvies raced to climb a flight of stairs (or “grassy knoll,” if you will), fill a water gun, and shoot her directly.
Say what you will about Scav: we are nothing if not tasteless.
Then it was on to the Pseudoscience Fair.
Bring your most colorful tri-fold posters, dramatic demonstrations, and convincing data to the BSLC at 11:00 a.m. on Friday. It’s time for the ﬁrst annual University of Chicago Pseudoscience Fair! Primary research only, please. [Up to 20 points]
Presentations included topics such as, “Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs,” “Phrenology Phacts,” “The Only Real Physics Is Metaphysics,” and “Who Is Stealing Our Water?” Scavvies stood by their posterboards and answered questions with extreme seriousness.
After the science fair, we walked over to the main quads for zombies.
112. Release a pack of zombies at Cobb during the break between classes on Friday at 11:50 a.m. [Up to 4 points per convincing zombie, maximum 5 zombies.]
113. Zombies are as easily famished as they are willing to share their spoils of war. Serve a brain cake that oozes blood upon being cut. Make sure to share a bit of the cake with your Cobb victims. [5 pooooints]
The cakes looked disgusting but I ate some anyway, because I am a sucker for sugar. The zombies had blood dripping out of their mouths, which, I know from dressing up as Andrew W.K., tastes THE WORST. They all moaned “Brainnsssss” in unison and swarmed the doors of the building, pressing their bloody hands and faces up to the glass. A policeman came by on a Segway, and there was a brief pause as the zombie Scavvies tried to decide whether they were in trouble or whether they should be polite to law enforcement or what. Then they all moaned “Brainnssss” again and surrounded the policeman. Luckily he escaped alive.
After the zombies, I wandered around the quads a little, listening to some rocks.
Everyone wants UChicago to be more like Six Flags, right? Right! With that in mind, please create
a faux rock with a speaker inside, broadcasting your favorite tunes from the nineties alternating with
advertisements for the sweet and refreshing taste of Coca-Cola R. These rocks should be on the Quads
starting at noon on Friday. [13 points]
The rocks were playing tunes including “I Want It That Way,” “How Bizarre,” and “The Venga Bus.” Plus, they were rocks. I hadn’t even known that I wanted life to be more like Six Flags, but it turns out that I totally do.
Then it was over to Rockefeller Chapel for Name That Tune.
Gather at the center of the Quads at noon on Friday for a simple game of Name That Tune. No tricks,
no lies, we’ll play a tune, and you have to name it. We’re not going to secretly make it trivia about
Sir James Tune, or actually make it Name That [Obscure 1970s car]Toon or anything like that. We’ll
play the melody from a piece of music, and you name it. It’s that simple. [10 points]
Rockefeller Chapel is home to a carillon which is– this is true– “the single largest musical instrument ever built.” So we had a carillonneur play the tunes on the carillon. Tunes included “The Final Countdown” and “We Are the Champions.” Naming them was not as easy as you might expect.
Then I took a little bit of a break from organized events. I stopped by my old team’s headquarters to see how they were doing. I ate a sandwich. I stopped by 57th Street Books and signed copies of Mostly Good Girls and Past Perfect. They had the Past Perfect paperback, which is exciting for me because it just came out a week and a half ago, so I haven’t signed it in many bookstores yet.
Around 3pm we went to the Point, which is the park right by Lake Michigan, for a worm charming contest.
Worm Charming! Standard WWCC rules will be enforced, but feel free to substitute your fork and
ﬁddle for a stob and rooping iron. Meet at the Point at 3:30 p.m. on Friday. [20 points for ﬁrst place, 16 points for second 12 points for third, 8 points for fourth, 2 points for participation]
Over half an hour, one team got five worms! The various vibrating techniques were very impressive. One team’s Gnome King was in also their Worm Charmer.
We seek the Gnome King. Must have a beard, a pointy hat, a pouch of magic stones, and must
demonstrate direct responsibility for two natural phenomena. Gnomes should appear in proper attire
throughout the hunt, but should demonstrate their traits at Judgment. A gnarled stick, signifying
leadership, will be presented to the winner at closing ceremonies. [10 points for sending your gnome,
and 3 extra points for the winner]
The Gnome King had brought a vibrator for charming worms. He dressed up the vibrator in a gnome hat. This was not terribly effective. At one point his vibrator ran out of batteries, so he had to place a desperate call to a teammate, who quickly biked over with an extra set of double-A’s, then just as quickly biked back to headquarters again.
Once all the worms were charmed, we walked out to the tip of the point for Viking funerals.
More like RagnaROCK. Assemble your best shipbuilders and rockstars: it’s time for a Viking funeral.
Since the world is ending in 2012, please send your mourners to the point at 4:45 p.m. on Friday to send off your tiny heroes in style. They will require a ﬂoating Snekkja at no more than 1:28 scale, and a rock song with lyrics telling the tales of these worthy men. And, of course, they will need a mechanism by which to burn and send their occupants to the gods without also burning their mourners. [19 points]
Teams sang dirges, doused their boats in gasoline, then put them in Lake Michigan and set them aflame. I accidentally got some gasoline sprayed on my tights and hoped desperately that I would not catch fire. The whole Point reeked of lighter fluid.
Then I went to Starbucks because all that time in the sun made me want a cold chocolate drink. (You know, unlike all those times in my life when I… don’t want a cold chocolate drink?) And now I’m about to head to dinner! Stay tuned for more Scav wonders soon.